Ive watched far too many wine bottles go to trash when some moron tries to tear the cork out with their teeth or something. In the interest of aiming this madness, I decided to test and rank different ways to open a bottle without a corkscrew. And then drink it, patently, for scientific purposes.
Supposedly, betches armed with a blowtorch can heat up the neck of a bottle until the hot air pushes the cork out. Assuring as Im neither a stoner nor a welder on some oil rig in the middle of the ocean, I dont own a blowtorch, and Im not putting my hair at risk by buying one. Ive expended hundreds of dollars in 2017 alone getting it to this level of perfectionIm not letting it anywhere near an open flame, thank you very much.
Im not your mama, so try the blowtorch thing if you wantbut if you actually own a blowtorch and not a corkscrew, it might be time to take a good, hard look at your selections. The blowtorch thing might even work, but be prepared to say goodbye to your eyebrows by the time youve ultimately gotten the cork out.
2. Hitting Wine/ Shoe Against Wall
Weve all heard of this one: Stick a wine bottle inside a shoe and thwack it against the wall, dismissing the yammering of your peeved neighbors, until the cork leaps out at your face. Ive assured it is currently working on YouTube, so I had high hopes for this method. They were promptly dashed, which is what I deserve for daring to be optimistic.
After carefully placing the wine inside a combat boot and zipping it inside for good measure, I began whacking it against the disintegrating wall of my rooftop chimney. 34 minutes later, the cork was unmoved, the ground was littered with chunks of plaster, and I was not even a little bit drunk. The conclusion? My house is shitty and so is this method.
3. Reaching Bottle With Shoe
Another supposedly successful shoe-related method is hitting the bottom of the wine bottle with a shoe until the pressure forces out the cork( or something, I slept through most of physics TBH ). Employing the aforementioned combat boot and a bunch of creative positioning, I went to township on the bottom of that wine bottle for what felt like infinity but turned out to be like, 20 minutes.
Like the Shitty Shoe Method# 1, though, I had precisely zero success despite the strength of desperation to be drunk. In the end, instead of a fountain of wine, all I got was a sore shoulder and an embarrassing sense of my pathetic, flaccid muscles. Apparently SoulCycle doesnt work out your limbs as much as I thought it did.
4. Key Twist
The method, according to my college roommate who swore that this worked: Insert your keys into the cork, twist them somewhat, and wiggle it out with the various kinds of patience no betch has ever possessed except in the pursuit of getting to some fucking wine.
Shockingly, this actually kind of workedthe cork changed upward ever so somewhat at first. Then my hand slipped, shoving the key in further and tearing a giant hole in the cork. The upside is that the hole was big enough to pour wine at a percolate so slow I could feel eons pass between each fell. The downside is the wine had bits of cork floating around inside like iceberg around the Titanic, but at that point I suppose anyone would say fuck it and chug the first glass anyway. So success?
5. Wooden Spoon
Take a wooden spoonful( or some other household object with a handle) and hammer the cork with the blunt aim. When it rebounds and smacks you in the eye, redouble your efforts until you lose the eye wholly or the cork has been shoved down the bottleneck to drown in wine where it belongs.
Although you might think this method would go the route of the shoe tricks, if you sit there poking the wine bottle long enough, eventually your roommate will come take over and jostle the cork inside in one fell stroke. Basically, the spoon thing totally works if you actually do weights at the gym instead of half-assing cycling classes three times a week. Plainly, this calls for a celebratory drink because its been two fucking hours and youre ready to call it a loss and break away the vodka.( Perhaps you should do that anyway .)
6. Buy A Fucking Corkscrew
Sure, you are able to technically open a bottle of wine without any mechanical assistance, but save it for the direst situations, like your little brothers graduation party or, god preclude, camping anywhere but Coachella. Otherwise, merely buy a fucking corkscrew or get used to drinking shitty screw-top wine all the time. If youre doing it right, it’ll merely take five minutes for you to get too drunk to notice the taste of sulfites.
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