Always remember: You will come out the other side stronger!
Stage 1: Vomiting up your exs keys from your stomach
As soon as it finally sinks in that you wont be going to their apartment for dinner and Netflix or late-night booty calls anymore, youll ultimately purge those spare apartment keys one final period. No employ having them simply sitting around in your belly anymore. This is the first step to getting over your ex, and its a very important one!
Stage 2: Seek to parasail into the sun
Anyone whos been through a breakup can identify with this moment of pure desperation, when you strap into the parachute harness and yell at the boat driver to go fast enough that you are fling from Earths orbit immediately into the sunshine. You may try to parasail yourself into the sunlight for days, weeks, or even months, but the pain will subside in time. Everyone is different, but its okayjust allow yourself to feel this way.
Stage 3: Attempt to forget that you construct a well-reviewed public transit network for a major city together
You will spend a lot of period thinking about your former relationship, and of course youll linger on the time the two of you conceived, designed, and oversaw construction on “the worlds largest” Miami-Dade public transit network, which wowed industry critics and laypeople alike. Whenever you see your 2009 APTA Award for Best New Light Rail, youll relive your breakup all over again.
Stage 4: Texting your ex the totality of the Articles of Confederation
Youre furious with your ex for breaking your heart but still cant assist thinking about them, so in a moment of weakness, youll unavoidably text them the totality of the Articles of Confederation. Even though you know you shouldnt be sending them the state sovereignty clause from this vestigial governmental document at 2 a.m ., youll do it anyway. And thats all right!
Stage 5: Going on your first post-breakup date and realizing that you havent gotten the tattoo of your exs face removed from your face
Getting back on the dating scene can be awkward. The horror of realizing that you have the tattoo of your exs face that you got for your one-month anniversary still tattooed on your face is something we all go through. Itll get easier soon, though, we promise!
Stage 6: Become a spokesperson for a major aspirin company
Whether its for Tylenol, Advil, or even Motrin, at some phase youll find yourself in front of a camera for an ad shoot or speaking to assembled media members, talking passionately about how your migraines are no match for the eight-hour relief found in one easy-to-swallow gel pill. It may feel a bit weird or uncomfortable, but its totally natural. Its only a phase, and youll be able to giggle about it with your friends in a few months.
Stage 7: Realizing that you are, on a deep, comprehensive level, unlovable, and theres nothing wrong with that
Yup. Weve all been there. Simply when you feel like youve reached your emotional rock bottom, you come to the grand realization that you are, at your very core and essence, inherently unlovable, and, hey, thats just fine. At the end of the working day, there are some people who will probably never find a life partner who loves them unconditionally, and opportunities are that youre one of those people. So, why not focus on other things, like cycling or depict or being a merchant marine? At least youll stand a chance there. Now, get out there and be the confident, acutely loveless shadow of a human being you were always destined to be!
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