Welcome back for another installment of the Fad Diet Diaries, a series in which I slowly but surely destroy my already fragile relationship with food, one dumb celebrity regimen at a time. The celebrity in question this time around is one Kourtney Kardashian, a woman who manages to look better middle-aged and after three children than I looked at 21 and before I discovered Postmates. Today is Kourtney’s 41 st birthday( not that you’ll be able to tell by anything about her ), and in honor of that I did the only thing I know how to do: emulate her diet and then complain about it. These are my stories.
While this particular diet was short-lived, a mere three days, my journey to get to this point actually started a little over a year ago. In February 2018, Kourtney Mary Kardashian released her daily meal plan on her app. These were pre-Poosh days, practically prehistoric. I paid $2.99 for said app( and then forgot to unsubscribe for months, leading to many subsequent payments) so I could get the dirt, and then write this piece about it.
While it’s the cardinal rule of the Internet to not read the comment section, I literally always do because I’m a masochist in constant need of validation. Sometimes it’s rewarding, sometimes it’s soul crushing, and very rarely will I actually respond to things. But a year ago, one kind soul asked if I’d be embarking on the Kourtney Kardashian diet, which seemed like a carnival question considering what I do here. Me, being a naive buffoon, throw away a cheeky “stay tuned” and left it at that , not realizing the financial burden I was about to undertake.
Well ThristyIPhone, you have stayed tuned for a whole year. Thank you for your patience. I am finally ready to tell you about my journey to becoming Kourtney Kardashian.
I don’t know if you’ve all heard, but Kourtney Kardashian is rich as f* ck. After a little research back in 2018, I have known that her supplement regimen alone was going to be over $100, and that was before I even got to groceries. In news that should astound no one, Kourtney’s honey of choice expenses $40. $ 40 !!! In that moment, my dreams of feeing like a Kardashian, even for a short period of time, died. I bid Kourtney farewell and set out in search of other, more cost-effective route to destroy my metabolism. It only took us a full year to realize that companies might actually donate to our cause.
We’d like to give a huge shout-out to our friends at Bulletproof for sending me their Collagen Protein and Brain Octane MCT Supplement, both of which I enjoyed enough to continue using in my regular day-to-day life. Unfortunately we weren’t able to source Kourtney’s blue-green algae or bone broth powder of selection in time, but I think that may have been a blessing in disguise.
All in all, this wasn’t a bad experience. In fact, without having to buy most of the expensive items for myself, it was pretty manageable. Turns out it’s not that hard to be a Karadashian, presuming you have a chill five hours to spare in the morning and limitless funds to fuel your antics.
Kourtney’s routine is very morning heavy. She wakes up, immediately takes collagen on an empty stomach, waits 20 minutes and then drinks a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, waits an undisclosed amount of period and then has a vegan probiotic shooting follow the example of a supplement-stuffed avocado dessert that she makes herself, works out, then comes home and eats breakfast. That all voices super nice for someone with a flexible schedule, but I have to be at work by 9am, which entails I was waking up at 5:30 am every day to try and work all this in.
The schedule that I painstakingly constructed out the night before fell apart almost immediately. There was a significant learning curve here for me, someone who has never had collagen or attempted to eat a blended avocado in her life.
5:30- Wake up and immediately drink collagen 5:50- Wait 20 min- 1 tbs ACV with water 6:00- Probiotic shooting 6:10- Avocado smoothie( with MCT oil) 7:00- Workout 8: 30- Oatmeal